1. Don’t knock masturbation — it’s sex with someone I love.
2. Love is the answer… but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
3. If there is reincarnation, I’d like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips.
4. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
5. Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
6. I didn’t know he was dead… I thought he was British.
7. Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.
8. My brain? it’s my second favorite organ.
9. The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5′ 7″, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
10. Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
11. I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
12. Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
13. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
14. I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead — not sick, not wounded — dead.
15. Sex is only dirty if it’s done right.
16. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like… making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
17. I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
18. The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty
19. Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it’s fantastic.
20. I’ve often said: the only thing standing between me and greatness… is me.
21. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
22. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
23. Life is like a concentration camp… you can’t leave without dying.
24. I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
25. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
26. Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
27. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.
28. Basically, my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
29. It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
30. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.